Compassion Is Not Empathy

Great question, I’ll take a stab at it from my perspective and you let me know if it gels. If not, I’ll be happy to explain/refine any point.

I’ll repost this because I think it applies here:

Compassion is all about helping others without taking on their burdens or projecting your needs/expectations.

Imagine a man falls overboard on a ship in the sea, do you throw them a life ring or do you jump in? Jumping in makes the rescue far more difficult: if the man clings to you they can pull you down too, you might actually be a shit swimmer to begin with and drown before you can even help him, there may be sharks in the water, a giant wave might catch you, etc… This is far more treacherous for you and the man compared to staying on the boat and throwing a rope with a life ring. This is the same with people’s suffering. You’re actually not helping by taking on their pain as your own. You’re trying to jump in and fix things directly, which you can’t — it’s impossible. Your best bet for the man’s and your own safety is to stay aboard and throw the life ring. Compassion is safe because it asks nothing of you or the other person. It is not transactional. It is level-headed, wise, and unburdened by the emotional appeal of “getting messy” in other people’s emotions.

Another way of thinking about it is the projection angle. You’re there to help without expectation. So if they continue to suffer, it is your expectation of relieving their suffering that actually makes you feel inadequate (and, dare I say, suffer yourself). You’re trying to make their suffering mean something to you which is impossible. Suffering is totally meaningless — it serves no teleological purpose. So snap out of your delusion and let your compassion shine through — you’re here to help. Nothing more, nothing less.

The trick is not to become okay with killing. Because it’s not great. The point is to know that killing is bad without the emotional junk rising up with it. That’s the messy stuff that pulls you in and makes you dwell on it. Consider those PETA hippies that throw red dye on people who wear fur or vegans that make fun of meat-eaters. How do they help? They’re letting their emotions get the best of them so they’re not productive at all. That’s the consequence of compassion gone awry. These people think its their place to fix other people through their emotional outbursts. And don’t get me wrong here, I’m not targeting progressives on purpose. Conservatives do horrendous things like bomb clinics because they cannot separate their emotions from their sense of compassion. The bottom line is: you can only fix your karma. You only have control over your mind, not anything else. Those hunters are ignorant, and you are not. That’s a great thing because it means in that situation there are 4 ignorant people instead of 5. One less problem for the world to deal with. You have to be okay with that because it’s like that meme, “it ain’t much but it’s honest work”. Your mind ain’t really much in the scheme of things but it is everything. Anyone who has tried to conquer Mara knows this. It’s a struggle. Samsara tries to catch us all.

I’ll allude to something else here that I posted only recently. Suffering is a mental prison you’ve made for yourself. This idea that compassion is meant to fix anything at all is misguided because the mind believes that it’s only when something is done can you be satisfied. And what if something cannot be done? Dukkha. If you cultivate compassion without these conditions, without trying to dive in with the drowning man, but throw the life ring, you’ll save yourself the heartache.

So we must know when we can do things and when we cannot. Most importantly, you can’t fix it all. You can’t take that responsibility for other people’s karma. Ever told someone they’re out of line? They barely ever listen to you. This isn’t meant to dishearten you — it’s meant to empower you. Your energy is best spent on clearing up your own mind, freeing up the dukkha, and living your best life whatever that may be. The pig died and that is sad. Your are compassionate and that is great. The problem is you think those things are connected, which makes you upset instead of moving on.

Hope this helps, let me know if I need to flesh out anything (pun not intended)

EDIT: I’ve been thinking more about empathy and how compassion is superior in every way possible. In short, empathy is totally shit and unproductive for you or others. Firstly, empathy is all about assuming the feelings and identities of others for ourselves. This means we’re trying to fabricate an impression of how others feel. And it more often than not crushes us under its weight. I see it all the time with psychologists I train with. “Be empathetic,” they say and then they all take their clients’ misery home with them. Two of them are on the verge of burnout due to this factor alone. They can’t stop thinking about this person’s suffering and making their own. How is this helpful? My clients are just as bad as theirs. I don’t get caught up in the fracas of their mental lives. I cannot. It’s not my suffering to deal with. I give help selflessly and to the extent that I can. But I am not this man’s conscience or consciousness, I cannot hover around him making sure he’s taking his meds or re-framing his negative experiences into positive ones.

Same with the slaughtered pig. How do you know what it’s like to die? Have you ever died? Is that the end for the pig? If you assume birth is the start, then of course death is the end. What’s that about overcoming birth and death and thus samsara? Equanimity lies at the centre of this spinning wheel — the axle that never moves, resolute, firm, without being spun itself. Empathy wants to take you on a ride that takes you nowhere — the pig is not going to come back to life. And, arguably, more importantly, your mind isn’t clear to see things clearly as they are.